I'm taking a little hiatus from blogging. Last night, I was at a meeting and my wife decided to use my computer. She found a bunch of deleted photos from this blog, and really leaned into me about having porn on my computer. Most of these images were of men, including some of me that I took for this blog. She also admitted that it made her anxious about the fact that my interest in men is something that she can't fulfill for me.
While the blog was never discovered, I find it impossible to keep covering my tracks. I never leave myself logged in and make sure the blog information isn't saved in my cookies. I delete photos from my Downloads folder. I do everything I can to hide this blog, without appearing that I have something to hide. But there seems to always be a record somewhere.
I love blogging, and I have so much to say, but my marriage is the most important thing in the world to me and I can't put it in jeopardy by constantly having to hide. I don't know how long this hiatus will be. It may be a few weeks, months or forever. I just need time to figure this out, and lower the risk while I do it.
The difficult part of this is that I don't have another outlet for my bisexuality, or to talk about these topics which are such an important part of me. My sexual frustration is still running high, and my attractions and thoughts are still present. Hopefully, this time away from blogging will give me an opportunity to figure some of this out. Although, I realize it will be difficult without the support of my blogger brothers.
I'll still try and check my email occasionally for blog comments and messages, if you want to contact me. I still need all the support I can get.
So, for now, this is Mack, signing out.
Mack, I'm sorry this happened. Sooner or later it seems to happen to everyone.
ReplyDeleteThere are many ways to cover tracks such as Private Browsing and liberal use of the trashcan on your computer.
Unknown to most, there are even ways to lock folder so that only you can open them. And of course files can easily be passworded.
As you note, you have no other means of expressing your bisexuality.
I fully understand the importance of your marriage. I also understand the importance of meeting your needs. You cannot be all you need to be for your family unless you are all you need to be for yourself.
Best wishes. Let me know if I can help in any way.
Jack Scott
Best of luck to you. That's how my journey began just over two years ago... my wife finding gay porn on my computer. That ended years of being afraid of being "found out", of constantly deleting my computer's history and downloads folder.
ReplyDeleteJust do what you need to do, as you figure out what's right for you.
You will be missed Mack. Very much so.
ReplyDeleteAs a certified people-pleaser I will go to great lengths to avoid conflict; I completely understand your desire to hunker down. But if you take a step back - and you've said this yourself - the larger picture shows that you NEED to express your bisexual self. That need will not disappear.
Yes it's hurtful to Mrs. Mack that she can't fulfill all of your needs but isn't the problem not that she can't do so but rather that her expectations are unreasonable? Marriage is the most important relationship in our lives but it's not our only relationship. We can't expect our partners to be EVERYTHING to us nor should they expect us to be EVERYTHING to them. Mrs. Mack needs to understand that you need an outlet because bottling it all up won't change the fact that you are who you are.
Until now hiding the porn has avoided conflict. However, because it's been discovered, you face an important choice. You can either seize the opportunity and grow your marriage, or, you can try to sweep all the discord under the rug, which of course, will not make it disappear. Actually, hiding your needs will only delay your Day of Reckoning. This means that, as difficult as it is to be honest, it really is the better option.
Expose yourself Mack. Tell her why it's so important that you express ALL of yourself. (Is it any different than being a naturalist, where you're more free because you expose yourself?) Tell her that you don't want her to feel bad and you don't want to hide but you were (rightfully) afraid of her reaction. Then try to explain why her expectation that she should be everything to you (and vice versa) is not realistic.
Yes, this conversation will be difficult and potentially painful. It will be an emotional work out - much like a physical one. But without pain there is no gain. This adversity will ultimately strengthen you as individuals and, most importantly, as a couple.
I'm aware that encouraging you to expose yourself is a risky venture. What if it all goes wrong? What if she doesn't understand? You're right, being honest could backfire and the results could be awful. But what you need to know is that you are who you are and she is who she is. You can each pretend to be someone you are not but pretending is an exhausting game and there will come a day when the masks will be removed. Therefore, what you are facing, is the choice to have this difficult conversation now or in 10, 20 or 30 years. If it doesn't go well, would you rather know that now or in a few decades?
From all that you have said, I feel like you have a strong marriage. Therefore I am very optimistic that you and Mrs. Mack can honestly deal with your issues and that your relationship will flourish. It sucks to have to deal with conflict but sometimes taking your lumps can pave the way for a greater good. This is one of those times.
Be well and be happy.
I completely agree with what two lives is saying. Please heed this advice.
DeleteI'm sooooooo sad right now. Please don't go Mack!
ReplyDeleteOf course, I totally understand. Just sad.
No advice from me (although I do agree with Two Lives). Lord knows I haven't manned up, and the thought of doing so is terrifying.
Praying for you man. You deserve nothing but the best. Please stay in touch if you can.
Sean
Take as much time as you need. Everyone and everything in its own time. Hugs from Canada, Mack!
ReplyDeleteI sure wish I had an answer for you, I would have done it myself if I had a good answer. In retrospect, I think I have to agree mostly with Two Lives.
ReplyDeleteYou say "my marriage is the most important thing in the world to me and I can't put it in jeopardy by constantly having to hide." When you think about what you said, doesn't that mean that you have to tell her everything? Or you will be hiding something forever? Do you truly mean that your 'marriage' is the most important thing? Or is it your relations with your wife, or the image of being married? I think you have to figure that out.
Whatever you decide, your bro's will be right here helping any way we can. We have all been through it, to some degree. I personally didn't handle it well at all. But, I also didn't have the advantage of all of these guys who really care. I wish you the best.
I hope all is going as well as it can.
ReplyDeleteHope to see you back at the blog soon.
Jack Scott