You would think that my bisexuality would be the biggest sexual problem of my marriage. You would think it would be that I was having affairs or that somehow my desire for men causes the most sexual strain at home. My desire for men does cause some strain, but the reality is that it's mostly personal angst. While I do share this personal angst with Mrs. Mack, it isn't the biggest sexual issue of our marriage.The biggest issue, though, is her libido. It is the one thing that we fight about. It causes an immense amount of tension between us. Her problem seems to be that she can only have sex once a week at an absolute maximum. Generally, it's once every two weeks. When we do have sex, she doesn't want to orgasm. She says that if she orgasms, she does not know when the next time she will be able to have sex will be.
In the first couple of months that we were dating, we were fucking like rabbits. Then, it dropped off suddenly. We talked about the sexual problems in pre-marital counseling, and nothing changed. The only impression the counseling left on her was that the person doing the counseling kept taking my side.
Outside of our sex life the marriage is pretty good. We can work out most of our other differences. For instance, I'm a very outgoing extrovert and while I am in a field that usually requires a lot of personal interaction, I work in a job that doesn't give me a lot of human contact. I go home most days having only sat at my computer and not really talked to more that one or two people on the phone. When I leave, I am so desperate to talk to someone, I'll stop anyone on the street to strike up conversation ("Hey Mr, you got some change?" "No, but do you want to be my friend?") Mrs. Mack, on the other hand, is an introvert, and works in customer service. So she comes home and doesn't want to see anybody other than me. The rub here is that she thinks we need to spend time together (Not to have sex, of course). I really need to unwind with friends, and she wants me to stay home to "spend time with me". This was causing a bit of tension, and at some point, I had to just lay down the law and say that I need to go out, and if that means she stays home and I go out, so be it.
So, this brings me back to our irreconcilable sex life. Yesterday afternoon, I really wanted it. She, as always, didn't. I have to admit, that I'm really attracted to her. She is really beautiful, but she has a terrible self-image. She thinks she's fat - which she isn't. She thinks she's ugly - which she most definitely is not. We had a typical interaction around sex. I was really horny, and she finally gave in. BUT, she doesn't want to kiss, and she doesn't want to be touched. She just wants me to use lube and go for it. No foreplay. Then, while we're having sex, she makes funny faces, comments on my facial hair and other random things that are really distracting. I go in to kiss her and she dodges it, and then pushes me away. I got angry, and unintentionally starting thrusting a little intensely. Then, she got angry at me for taking my frustrations out on her. We started arguing (we almost always argue while having sex - I hate it to no end.). Somehow, we got past the arguing, and she ended up getting turned on and cumming. After her explosion, she then starts pressuring me to cum. This makes it even harder for me. In the end, I just said "fuck this" and I got up and showered.
I read about couples that have sex 2 or 3 times a week. That kind of blows my mind. I'd be happy with once a week, especially if it didn't involve so much tension. What really concerns me is what will happen when we have kids. If our sex life is like this now, I can guess that it will completely disappear, then.
I occasionally get comments on this blog about how my "problem" of being bisexual will destroy my marriage. My bisexuality is not what's undoing things here. Yes, I'd like to be with a man sometimes, but I'd also like to be with my wife. I feel like she is driving me away.
After we were dressed again, yesterday, she was more affectionate. She was remorseful for the way she was acting. She gave me a kiss and a hug. It's hard to know what's going on in that brain of hers. Why is she so cold and distant with sex and then so affectionate when she feels bad about it?
For a while, we've been talking about seeing a marriage counselor. It's somehow my responsibility to find one, and I have to find one that suits her. And, I have to stop seeing my therapist if we do. I'm not sure if she will let the counseling work, but I think it's time.
Wow, have you sat down and spoken to her when you guys are completely out of the moment? I would illustrate this whole scenario out for her so she can really see what this is doing to your relationship. Harry and I are both Bi... but if something ever ruins it wont be that... It would be lack of communication. I know this is unrequested advice, but when you are looking for a therapists you might want to try to find someone who specializes in sex therapy. Or you may want to send the Mrs. by herself. Cuddo's to you for trying to work it out!!!!
ReplyDeleteCherry
That is actually good advice, and much more helpful than 'get out while you can'. Mrs. Mack and I have talked this topic to death on our own. It doesn't seem to go anywhere, but make her feel bad about herself, which is not my intention. Thanks for the comment.
DeleteYou're right about what will happen if you have kids. If you don't want a near sex-less marriage you need to address the issue now. If that means giving up your therapist for a while, I'd think that would be worthwhile since this is the biggest problem in your marriage.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to speculate a little, just to give you some ideas to ponder.
From what you've said, it appears that Mrs. Mack does not have a good sexual self-image, and perhaps even a poor one. If true, then anything related to her sexual performance is an extremely sensitive subject. Perhaps so sensitive that even that most minor comment or action by you can be very hurtful to her. Similarly, her lack of enthusiasm about therapy could be because she's afraid that both you and the therapist will gang up on her. This means that if you want her to pro-actively participate in therapy, you have to "sell" it as fixing your issues not hers. When we insecure introverts are under attack we retreat as far back into our shells as far as possible. We'll only emerge again once we feel safe. Making therapy about the 'you' part of 'us', at least to begin with, is a good way to make therapy feel safe for her.
So, rather than push her to seek therapy to discuss your awkward sexual dynamic as a couple (which she knows is mostly her fault), you might try turning it around. Tell her that you've had an epiphany in your own therapy and you've realized that you are too demanding and critical. You want to pursue joint therapy so that you can learn to be a better listener which will then enable you to respond to her in ways that she will find sexually appealing. Be very earnest about it and see how she responds.
You make a good point about not wanting to back her into a corner. My only thought is that if it's just my issue than what's the point of doing couple's counseling? She's also quite aware of how the sexual dynamic affects our marriage. I wonder - to piggyback on your thoughts - if it would be better for her to find a counselor and not me. That way, it doesn't feel like the counselor and I are ganging up on her. It gives her a little more control. The problem with this, of course, is how to actually convince her to do to the work to find someone.
ReplyDeleteMack,
ReplyDeleteA couple of observations -- first, rather than pursue couples counselling, why not suggest she seek counseling on her own? Her self-esteem issues are interfering with her relationships and a satisfying sex life with her partner, so maybe have her work toward some goals of sel-realization on her own and see where that gets you both. Couples therapy can follow that.
Forgive the curiosity -- does she allow you to kiss her when you aren't making love? The rushing on her part and refusal to kiss also sounds like a big intimacy issue. Does she let you go down on her? Does she need to be angry to get off?
I think you are right to be concerned about post-kids. This will be so much harder to address when you are competing with junior for tit time. You kow I am not making light of this -- but been there!
And for the record, your "lack of cumming issue" is complete bullshit and you should call her on it. This is supposed to be about making love with each other. It's like playing Candy Land with her -- you are psyched to pass the Gramma Nutt and eat your way to Gum Drop Mountain only to land on Queen Frostine. Come on Mrs. Mack -- Mr. Mack needs some sugar!
God I feel for you man. You are right though -- your bisexuality is not the only issue. And try not to give up on your own therapy if you want or need it Mack. Let her help figure out the solution to her issues but not at the expense of your happiness all the time.
To answer your question, she and I do kiss outside of love-making. She tends to kiss me like I'm her grandmother, with a pucker. No real passion. Her going to therapy aside from me may not be a bad idea. It's certainly one option to explore.
DeleteMack - boy your post was deja vu city for me. Your experience is a carbon copy of mine, but unfortuneatley mine ended in divorce. Sex wasn't the only issue in the marriage. Our personalities were opposite and yes I am an extrovert with a desk job and she was a nurse and an introvert. Unfortunately, my self image was shot by the tear down sex that we had similar to yours.
ReplyDeleteI have no answers for you other than I feel for you and also I think Loki's advice was the best!
Thanks for the support.
DeleteMack,
ReplyDeleteI really feel for you, man. Unfortunately, I don't have any good advice for you either. My experience was 20+ years of marriage only to end in a very messy divorce. I didn't realize until way too late that I am the extrovert and my ex was the introvert also. It lead to frustration for me that ultimately kept gnawing away at me and ended up driving us even further apart.
With things as they are now, kids are not going to help the situation, it will only cause further issues.
I urge you to continue writing, even if you feel you are repeating...Hang in there, guy.
Hm – looks like you and your wife have some problems….So I offer a female POV.
ReplyDeleteThere are several possible reasons for your wife’s lack of interest in sex.
1. She is using a hormonbased contraceptive. Sorry, this messes up with our bodies and for a lot woman it puts a real break on our sex drive. Why? Because our body already thinks we are pregnant, so nature thinks we need the body to breed. And it alters the sense of smell. A guy who smelled irresistible suddenly smells uninteresting. I experienced that first hand. I stopped taking hormones and my interest in my hubby was back…oh yes.
2. She might have some health problems, e.g. as a woman you are a very easy prey for vaginal yeast infection. Easy to catch, it can bother from awkward to painful. And it tends to make intercourse painful, too. Some even don’t realize that they suffer from this or do not feel comfortable to talk to a doc about this.
Or a slight bladder infection, that burns and makes sex uncomfortable, too.
Or she is using tampons and is sensitive to them without knowing it. They can have an effect on the mucosa of the vagina.
3. Now we come to the tricky woman brain parts….e.g. feeling just like a sex object. Not that I say you treat her like one but if she got the feeling you are only then physically nice to her when you want sex…..well, that would be a major block.
4. And this might not be pleasant, too. Maybe you are not as good with all the sex stuff as you think. I don’t admit it with good grace but in the beginning of a relationship woman do often the wrong thing. They let the guy believe he is great, a great kisser, a wonderful lover….and in reality he is nearly drowning you in spit and you have to fake orgasm in hope that he’ll be finished faster ….I know that it is the wrong thing but most women don’t want to bruise the male ego by telling him that,” No you tongue is not supposed to slip down my windpipe” and “No, thrusting your fingers in and out like this will not make me come”.
So this is what I came up spontaneous. There can be others.
But for the first two points your wife should talk to her doctor about it.
The other two would fall into your responsibility.
What about just being nice to her for a while? Kiss her like you mean it before you go so that she can enjoy the kiss without feeling obliged to have sex. Give her tender and sexy caresses without suggesting sex. Ask her what she likes. What makes her shiver? Make her feel sexy and loved by your actions.
I hope this had some useful food for thoughts. Good luck.
P.S. Before you get kids you need to solve this problem. With kids you have to have a very solid base because as much as they are a joy - they are a strain on a relationship.
Sunne,
DeleteThank you for your thoughts (as I'm slow to respond). My wife does use a hormonal birth control and does get frequent yeast infections. For whatever reason, she hasn't seemed to want to change to a different form of birth control, or bring the yeast infections to her doctor's attention. As for my own performance, I've obviously thought about that A LOT. It is possible, but I've never had complaints in the past. I am aware of the role of the clitoris in stimulation. She also is one who can only orgasm by being touched. One of the strange things about Mrs. Mack and intimacy is that she doesn't like to kiss passionately. She puckers up like I'm her grandma, and would rather get a kiss on the cheek than the lips. She doesn't like playful touch, either. Really, I don't know whether it's physical, mental or both, or what my role is in all this. Again, thanks for your thoughts on all this.
Mack, you know if you want to change something with her, you need to adress these things - like suggesting to change to another kind of birth control and that she needs to get taken care of the infections (e.g. her wish for lube and you to finish asap sounds very much like her vagina is irritated because of the infections).
DeleteIf you explain her that this could cause the difference in her libido, maybe she would go and see a doctor.
And about kissing....well, people really have different kissing styles. I'm not saying that grandma kisses are a kissing style - I think your wife doesn't like physical intimacy at the moment - for whatever reasons. She probably fears that kissing leads to sex. But you could make it much more sexy by licking her lips, don't even try to intrude much, just a bit, try to loosen her up by attention. And not only for sex.
About sex...well, if she is a "clitoris-woman" then go down on her. Nothing better than to make one crazy this way. Or would you say no to a blow-job? ;)My advice would be, bring her close to come, if possible yourself, too, and then keep it short - she obviously is not in the frame of mind at the moment to enjoy continuing penetration (hopefully this can change again). And if you don't enjoy it as a woman...duh, of course you don't want to do it.
I'm defintely more a "G-spot-woman" so I want and need a penis for a satisfying orgasm. The easiest way for a woman to get it is normaly when she is on top.
But...I'm sure you know most of this already and you also know - even if you maybe haven't admitted it really - without her cooperation nothing will change. You can be as helpful, loving, caring etc., if she doesn't want it to change it won't happen.
So I wish you all luck...if you have further questions to a woman..just post them in you blog, I check in from time to time ;)
Sunne,
DeleteI really appreciate your comments. Thank you for the advice. Mrs. Mack and I have talked these subjects to death. I think she'd rather avoid ever talking about our sex life.
Strangely, the wife actually doesn't like me going down on her, or her going down on me. I love to give and receive oral sex, but it's not something she is in to in any way. She's ok with manual stimulation, but only after being well turned on.
Thank you again for your comments. It's so refreshing to have an honest, non-judgmental woman's perspective on things.
Mack, I wish I had the silver bullet to solve your problem, but this is mystifying to me. You recount that she doesn't want to be kissed or touched, and that "while we're having sex, she makes funny faces, comments on my facial hair and other random things that are really distracting." That sounds like mild Asperger's Syndrome -- her introversion and her apparent inability to comprehend the effect that such out-of-place actions have on you (and would have on almost any other man).
ReplyDeleteThis would be enough to send me right up the wall; maybe lose my erection; definitely thinking about divorce. I can keep my attraction for men under control in large part because my wife makes me feel incredibly fulfilled in bed, and it's not limited to once a week, either.
If our sex life were like yours, I don't know that I could continue that way. There would likely be either some M2M on the side, or I would end the marriage and try again with someone more normal.
You are too young to face the prospect of enduring this for the rest of your able life, especially where it's interfering with the prime purpose of marriage -- to beget your replacements. Obviously you need to have a full and frank exchange of views on the subject so that she's on notice that lovemaking should be romantic and not joke time or a criticism session. Also, she should be willing to change out the contraceptive (or ditch it altogether) to see if that will help her sex drive.
But if that discussion and the contraceptive change don't work, I think that you should call it quits with her. I hate to say this, as normally I'm a huge advocate for trying to save practically any marriage that's in trouble. But your wife evidently can't even control her mouth when you are trying to make love to her. This is so basic. Consequently, I am having trouble convincing myself that she will change enough to give you what every husband deserves, and what nature has programmed us to crave.
Hopefully it doesn't come to that. Then again, hopefully she bends on something here too.
Delete