You would think that my bisexuality would be the biggest sexual problem of my marriage. You would think it would be that I was having affairs or that somehow my desire for men causes the most sexual strain at home. My desire for men does cause some strain, but the reality is that it's mostly personal angst. While I do share this personal angst with Mrs. Mack, it isn't the biggest sexual issue of our marriage.
The biggest issue, though, is her libido. It is the one thing that we fight about. It causes an immense amount of tension between us. Her problem seems to be that she can only have sex once a week at an absolute maximum. Generally, it's once every two weeks. When we do have sex, she doesn't want to orgasm. She says that if she orgasms, she does not know when the next time she will be able to have sex will be.
In the first couple of months that we were dating, we were fucking like rabbits. Then, it dropped off suddenly. We talked about the sexual problems in pre-marital counseling, and nothing changed. The only impression the counseling left on her was that the person doing the counseling kept taking my side.
Outside of our sex life the marriage is pretty good. We can work out most of our other differences. For instance, I'm a very outgoing extrovert and while I am in a field that usually requires a lot of personal interaction, I work in a job that doesn't give me a lot of human contact. I go home most days having only sat at my computer and not really talked to more that one or two people on the phone. When I leave, I am so desperate to talk to someone, I'll stop anyone on the street to strike up conversation ("Hey Mr, you got some change?" "No, but do you want to be my friend?") Mrs. Mack, on the other hand, is an introvert, and works in customer service. So she comes home and doesn't want to see anybody other than me. The rub here is that she thinks we need to spend time together (Not to have sex, of course). I really need to unwind with friends, and she wants me to stay home to "spend time with me". This was causing a bit of tension, and at some point, I had to just lay down the law and say that I need to go out, and if that means she stays home and I go out, so be it.
So, this brings me back to our irreconcilable sex life. Yesterday afternoon, I really wanted it. She, as always, didn't. I have to admit, that I'm really attracted to her. She is really beautiful, but she has a terrible self-image. She thinks she's fat - which she isn't. She thinks she's ugly - which she most definitely is not. We had a typical interaction around sex. I was really horny, and she finally gave in. BUT, she doesn't want to kiss, and she doesn't want to be touched. She just wants me to use lube and go for it. No foreplay. Then, while we're having sex, she makes funny faces, comments on my facial hair and other random things that are really distracting. I go in to kiss her and she dodges it, and then pushes me away. I got angry, and unintentionally starting thrusting a little intensely. Then, she got angry at me for taking my frustrations out on her. We started arguing (we almost always argue while having sex - I hate it to no end.). Somehow, we got past the arguing, and she ended up getting turned on and cumming. After her explosion, she then starts pressuring me to cum. This makes it even harder for me. In the end, I just said "fuck this" and I got up and showered.
I read about couples that have sex 2 or 3 times a week. That kind of blows my mind. I'd be happy with once a week, especially if it didn't involve so much tension. What really concerns me is what will happen when we have kids. If our sex life is like this now, I can guess that it will completely disappear, then.
I occasionally get comments on this blog about how my "problem" of being bisexual will destroy my marriage. My bisexuality is not what's undoing things here. Yes, I'd like to be with a man sometimes, but I'd also like to be with my wife. I feel like she is driving me away.
After we were dressed again, yesterday, she was more affectionate. She was remorseful for the way she was acting. She gave me a kiss and a hug. It's hard to know what's going on in that brain of hers. Why is she so cold and distant with sex and then so affectionate when she feels bad about it?
For a while, we've been talking about seeing a marriage counselor. It's somehow my responsibility to find one, and I have to find one that suits her. And, I have to stop seeing my therapist if we do. I'm not sure if she will let the counseling work, but I think it's time.